TooMuchTuma is back with some more Backyard Baseball rankings. Part 1 of the player rankings (the guys) can be found by clicking here. Also keep an eye out for stadium rankings coming soon. Just like in Part 1 these thoughts are all based on Backyard Baseball 2001, the GOAT game of the franchise.
15. Kimmy "Twinkie Toes" Eckman
The nicest thing I can say about Kimmy Eckman is that I love playing at her field, Eckman Acres. As for her actual abilities, well, what little pop she has in her bat is canceled out by the fact that she is molasses running around the bases. She can’t pitch or field. She doesn't have anything really unique or interesting about her. Really she provides zero value to a Backyard Baseball team. And yes, she's even worse than Ronny Dobbs, who I had ranked as the worst guy. The only saving grace for Twinkie Toes is if you play with her at Eckman Acres she becomes a useable, middle of the order type bat.
14. Gretchen "Jabberjaw" Hasselhoff
Here's the thing about Gretch Hasselhoff. She never shuts the fuck up. "Jabberjaw" is basically the female version of Ricky Johnson. She's fast and that's about all the positives you can say about her. She can't hit the ball out of the infield. She can't field. You wouldn't use her to pitch. And unlike Kimmy she doesn't even have a field-type power up to boost her stats. Gretchen would really only be useful as a pinch runner, which isn't a thing in Backyard sports.
13. Bill Jean "Crazy Legs" Blackwood
The better half of Marky Dubois has a surprising 8/10 baseballs in her batting stat, but don't let that fool you. Backyard Baseball combines power and contact into "batting", and Billy Jean is only strong in the contact department. This isn't helpful at all because, while she may not strike out, she'll always ground out weakly to the infield. This is arguably worse than striking out since she's so easy to double up. "Crazy Legs" is usable at first base because of her height but doesn't do much else for you on the diamond. When paired with Marky she becomes even worse but Marky becomes a stud.
12. Vicki "Swan" Kawaguchi
Vicki Kawaguchi is one of the two Backyard kids to have a 1/10 batting stat. I ranked Ricky Johnson as the second worst boy because of that, but Vicki is at least able to provide A LITTLE more value due to her plus plus speed and solid middle infield play. Still, hitting with her can be incredibly frustrating. Vicki is one of the few Backyard kids where it's actually advisable to select the "grounder" option when hitting. If she gets on base she can be on third within two pitches. Her best usage is batting ninth and being used as a "second leadoff hitter".
11. Annie "Flipper" Frazier
Annie Frazier had 9/10 batting? What the fuck? She had 8/10 in running too? That's one less than Kiesha with the same batting rating, so why don't I remember her being as good? Ah, yes, that's right. Frazier suffers from Billy Jean Blackwood syndrome where her batting stat is all fluffed up by contact. Flipper can at least run (though she would be faster if not for those hideous sandals she insists on wearing). But then she also tires pretty easily for a speedster. Ultimately Frazier is more interested in creating a fun, peaceful atmosphere than she is in winning baseball games. Shout out to her Backyard Football chops where Frazier has an absolute boot as a kicker, despite the afore mentioned sandals.
10. Maria "Pinky" Luna
Trust me when I say that I played Backyard Baseball A LOT growing up. I don't think I ever once drafted Maria Luna on to a team of mine. Perhaps I was underrating her a bit. The problem is that she doesn't stand out in any one area, and has no real unique traits. She has above average speed and catching but that's really it. In one of the more unique stat boosts, Maria gets an upgrade if you make your uniforms pink.
8 (tied) Ashley and Sidney "Little Smokey" Webber
The Webber twins are known for the most common stat boost in the game. Play these two together and they become highly productive players of your squad. When drafted by themselves neither is anything special. Sure they can run and pitch a bit, but so can many of our favorite backyard buddies. But pair them together and they each start hitting line drives into the gaps, legging out extra bases, and function as the only two pitchers you need.
7. Lisa "Mad Dog" Crocket
Lisa Crocket! One of Humungous Entertainment's funniest looking kids, "Mad Dog" is the definition of an underrated player. She's overlooked for numerous reasons...her appearance, her lack on unique traits, and her not-so-inspiring player stats. Don't buy into it. Crockett outplays both her subpar batting and fielding stats with a combination of line drives and powerful throws. Add in her speed and she becomes a top of the order shortstop (at best) or a bottom of the order, second leadoff type third baseman (at worst). Lisa can also pitch and has one of the most interesting deliveries in the game. Whereas others (the haters and losers) view her as a boring character I see an underrated gem.
6. Steph "Bubbles" Morgan
[Prepares battle stations for incoming criticism]
I think Stephanie Morgan is overrated. I feel comfortable saying she's the second most popular girl to roster after Keisha, but she's definitely not the second best girl player. Fight me IRL if that's your claim. Don't get me wrong I love Steph Morgan. Kid is a gamer who was born the play shortstop. I just...wish she was better. She struggles to hit it out of the infield, isn't THAT fast, and simply put the advanced metrics don't back up her reputation as a defensive shortstop. In that regard she's the Derek Jeter of backyard kids.
Bubbles' stats suffered in the move from the OG Backyard Baseball to 2001 (Play with the pros as kids!). Despite all the negatives I had to say about her, she's popular for a reason. After the top 4 or 5 players in the game Steph probably has the best looking swing of all the kids. Baseball is also her life, which gives her a mental edge over scrubs like Reese Worthington.
5. Jocinda "MVP" Smith
Jocinda Smith! Like Steph Morgan she is another fan favorite of the game. Unlike Steph Morgan, Jocinda is #actuallygood. Just kidding. Jocinda is better than Steph but isn't that good herself. She really only has one "plus" trait, and that's her 10/10 batting stat. Now anyone that has a perfect batting rating belongs in the upper echelon of backyard kids. The only other players with 10/10 batting are Pablo, Achmed, and Mikey Thomas. If you've used Jocinda before you know that she doesn't hit like them. So what the duck is with her rating then? Yes, just like Annie Frazier, Jocinda suffers from Billy Jean Blackwood syndrome. Her batting stat is all contact. It's still insane that she has a higher rating than Kiesha, though. As for Jocinda, it's a well known fact her best sport is basketball where she actually earns the nickname "MVP".
4. Sally "The Boss" Dobbs
Let me be clear about something...this isn't an opinion. It's an absolute fact that Sally Dobbs is the most criminally underrated player in Backyard Baseball. Let's break this down. Does Sally do anything GREAT? Ehhhhh she has 7s for all her stats, so I guess not. But that's where the value lies! Her attributes are unbelievably balanced, making her a coaches dream. Put it this way. If Bill Belicheck or Joe Maddon played this game, they would roster Sally Dobbs. She can hit, hit for power, run, field, throw, and pitch.
The only negative about Sally is that she can create issues in the clubhouse. Hence her nickname "The Boss". We all know team chemistry if vital in this game so Sally is only worth rostering if you have strong veteran leaders around her.
3. Luanne "Lulu" Lui
It seems to me that to be a productive Backyard Baseball player you need plus traits in 2/3 of batting, running, and pitching (fielding just isn't as critical as the other three). That's exactly what we have with Luanne Lui, who is proficient both on the base paths and on the mound. Offensively, use her to slap grounders around the infield and follow with up with aggressive base stealing when she gets on. And pitching wise? She's great. Great command. Great heater. Great break on her left and right hooks.
The only difference between her and Angela is that you want to use "Lulu" as your lock down closer/fireman/Andrew Miller-esque reliever. The reason is that if you start her on the hill her juice will wear down and she won't be as useful on the bases. But when the game is on the line and you need some key, late inning outs? Enter Lulu.
2. Angela "Sugar Pop" Delvecchio
We've done it. We've reached the cream of the crop for the girls in Backyard Baseball. Angela Delvecchio is an ace pitcher if I've ever seen one. She's the only backyard kid with a 10/10 pitching stat (WHY THE FUCK DOES FRANK THOMAS HAVE 10/10 PITCHING THOUGH) and has everything you want in a top of the rotation starter. She works quickly, doesn't walk batters, rarely gets beat by her best stuff, and she's competitive as hell. Her best pitch is the slow ball, which will lull batters to sleep before she mixes in some high cheddar.
At the plate, she's pretty powerful. Her swing is long and will make professional batting coaches cringe, but if she connects it's doubles and dingers nearly every time. Smart Backyard Baseball coaches will bat her directly behind some fast players, using them to steal bases while Angela drives them in with her pop. Additionally, if Angela is playing against her brother Tony, she legitimately becomes a top 3 player in the game.
1. Kiesha "Flash" Phillips
My goodness was Keisha an offensive weapon. 9/10 baseball's for both batting and running?! Dare I say that puts her on the level of Pablo Sanch...sorry, sorry. Getting ahead of myself here. Pablo is the GOAT, but Keisha's power/speed combo puts her right behind him with Petey Wheeler and Achmed Khan. Those 4 are definitely your Mount Rushmore of Backyard kids.
Kiesha is built like Ray Lewis, hits like Barry Bonds, and runs like Rickey Henderson. She is an annual 40/40 threat. She has the arm of Vladimir Guerrero. To cap it off she maybe has the prettiest swing in the game.